Beauty from Ashes . . . . and from other stuff, too

About a year and a half ago, in the ongoing process of working out my salvation, I made a commitment to God. My commitments are flimsy at best, but in the most authentic way possible to me in that moment, I committed to Him that I would submit to whatever He laid before me. I said, "Let it be unto me as You see fit." I prayed that He would bring glory to His name in my life by whatever means He deemed best. I wept as I prayed and admitted that I was afraid. Afraid of what kind of pain or loss He might allow me to endure in order to transform me to the image of His Son. But to the best of my ability, I meant what I said.

And now here I am. My dear friend has been diagnosed with cancer and the road stretching before her is long and hard with no promises. And I am healthy.

A fellow Bible-studier is beginning her fourth battle with cancer. Another woman just attended the second day of the criminal trial for the man who brutally murdered her only child. Another has suffered miscarriage after miscarriage. The losses are many and profound. And my cup runs over.

What if? Just what if? What if God does not choose to glorify Himself in me in the way that I envisioned? What if my road does not include cancer or the loss of my child?

I suddenly realize that there is pride in my tortured imaginings of what God might allow me to experience. There is pride in the idea of what beautiful goodness God might possibly fashion out of my patient suffering. I have once again made something about me.

I am still young (relatively speaking) and who knows what the road marked out for me will bring? But the God who brings beauty from ashes doesn't work exclusively with ashes. For now, I will learn the humility of being one who cannot say "I've been there; I know how you feel".

This will not be about me or about what I have or don't have to offer others as a result of my suffering. This will have to be about God. This will have to be me learning anew that I have nothing to offer. That is why He must become greater and I must become less. He will decide how best to glorify His name in my life.

Let it be unto me as You see fit, Lord Jesus.