Sleeping Dragon

There are many things that I struggle with on a daily basis, the majority of which are related to my rampant selfishness, the consistent craving to indulge my own wants and desires before those of my family and the people I'm called to love. Some days I do better than others; some days I'm more willing to obey Jesus and some days I'm not.

But I don't generally consider greed or covetousness to be one of my daily struggles. I believe my heart to be content and, oftentimes, running over with gratitude. I recognize the provision of God in our air-conditioned home and full refrigerator and paid bills and I do not feel envious when we drive by houses larger and more luxurious than our own.

Shopping is, for us, something we do only when necessary; it is not a hobby or a diversion. As a result, I rarely go to the mall or any other store that doesn't sell groceries or drug store items. Window shopping seems senseless and holds no appeal for me. I do not want what I do not have if I do not know about it.

I do enjoy shopping for clothes when the money is there. I usually receive at least one or two gift cards for each birthday or Christmas that passes and I love the anticipation of being able to spend money on clothes minus the nagging guilt that invariably accompanies frivolous spending. But I have begun to notice something about my content and grateful heart: it changes.

I can go to the store, gift cards in tow, with a predetermined amount of money available to spend. An amount, mind you, that is a complete gift---unearned, unbudgeted, unexpected. Yet, as I am shopping and visualizing and trying on, all the while doing the necessary math in my head, I unfailingly discover that the amount I have to spend is simply not enough. It is not enough to buy all the things I want. Not enough to satisfy the greed that has now been kindled in my heart. And now my heart is not grateful nor content. It is frustrated and resentful and tired of not being able to buy what I want when I want. Sick and tired of having to shop the thrift stores and the sale racks and not being able to buy a whole outfit at the same time. And I realize that covetousness is not absent from my heart; it is simply dormant. It is the sleeping dragon whose existence was thought to be a myth because he is rarely awakened.

Don't misunderstand. . . . I still welcome gift cards. And I will still buy more clothes as the years (and the sizes) go by. But I am more aware of the evil subtleties within my own heart, this heart that is deceitful above all things. I know that I must be prepared to fight the greed that springs to life with the slightest provocation and the lies that fester and multiply with the smallest encouragement. A sleeping dragon is not a tame dragon and must be treated accordingly.